Decision
This post has been brewing for a while. Ever since I wrote this post. Shortly after I wrote that entry, the Mister and I sat down and talked. Really talked. About our life. Our goals. Our dreams. I’ve always been the one pushing for the baby. Our baby. The Mister was ready for parenthood—when we got married. In fact, it’s one of the reasons why we got married so quickly. However, being dealt the infertile hand that we were dealt, well, that threw him for a loop. And I’ve been OK with that. I don’t want to force him into fatherhood. I know, deep in my heart, that if we could conceive naturally, by now, our family would be complete. But that’s not where we are. That’s not the plan for us. I’m not an extremely religious person. I believe in God—I was raised Catholic after all (which also means I believe in guilt)—but I question Him. I question why. I question my strength. I question my resolve. I question.
This led me to my decision, which I shared with my husband. It’s not a profound decision, but it veers from the path I’ve always seen myself on. It’s hard to put it in writing. Somehow, writing it down makes it more real. It makes me accountable. It feels permanent. But I want to be honest. With you. With myself.
I’m not sure I want to be a mother. Ever.
There. I said it. It’s out there, and I can’t take it back. And I won’t. It’s my thoughts. It’s who I am. And when I admitted this to the Mister, it’s like a huge weight was lifted. From me. From him. From our marriage. I’m not going to lie. Since I’ve come to accept this, our marriage has been wonderful—like it was in the days before our infertility was discovered. We spend more time together. We laugh more. We talk more. We love more. And I don’t know if I want to give that up.
I love children. I love our nieces and nephews. I love my Godson. I love my friend’s children. And for right now, that’s enough. And I’m OK with that.
14 Comments
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Babies!! | The Mrs and The Mister — January 11, 2011 @ 7:47 pm
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Why 2011 Sucked the Big One… | The Mrs and The Mister — December 29, 2011 @ 8:22 pm
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By Alena, August 25, 2010 @ 8:11 pm
This made me tear up! I am happy for you, for y'all. I am not going to assume to understand a decision like this, or the weight it carries….but baring your soul has to make you feel a little……….lighter. <3
By mrsandmister, August 25, 2010 @ 8:37 pm
Thanks Alena. I’m not sure I understand it myself…but I do feel lighter. Thank you for saying exactly the right words.
By Katherine in VA, August 25, 2010 @ 9:29 pm
I know this must've been a very difficult decision to come to but I'm glad y'all are doing better. You are an amazingly strong woman and I'm so glad we met.
By audreeeeeey, August 25, 2010 @ 9:30 pm
That took guts. All conversations like that take guts. I admire you for being strong enough to admit that to yourself first and I'm honored to have read it!
By mrs. lusher, August 26, 2010 @ 8:31 am
The "typical" family isn't for everyone & all of those feelings you have been having are all OK. I'm so glad that you & the mister were able to hash it all out & it sounds like you're both feeling better having it all out in the open. I'm happy that you can breathe a little easier!
By mrsandmister, August 26, 2010 @ 5:55 pm
Thank you Katherine! I’m glad we met too—and you are just as strong, if not stronger, than I am.
By mrsandmister, August 26, 2010 @ 5:55 pm
Thank you Audrey!
By mrsandmister, August 26, 2010 @ 5:56 pm
Thanks! It does feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. Also? I miss you!
By Karen, September 1, 2010 @ 12:14 pm
I know this had to be a tough decision for you but I am so glad you are at peace with it and things seem to be better between the two of you. It sounds like the best decision for both of you.
By mrsandmister, September 8, 2010 @ 7:31 pm
Thank you Karen!! It's been a real relief since we've come to this decision. How are you doing??
By Elizabeth Flora Ross, October 18, 2010 @ 10:02 pm
I just came across this post b/c I saw your tweet. I, too, believe in God's plan for my life. And when I remained single into my late 30s, I came to a place where I was OK with not becoming a mom. I'd always wanted to, but I reasoned that if it wasn't in His plan for me; it wasn't meant to be. It was not easy, but I came to accept it and be at peace. I'm glad you are there. I have seen the stress and pain infertility can cause people. It can tear couples apart. It can ruin lives.
Now, I did end up meeting my husband and we had our daughter when I was 40. It was weird, since we had both accepted that we would not be parents. But we adjusted and accepted that we were. And we are happy.
The bottom line is, there is no one road to happiness. And I think you and your husband will be able to better focus on all the good things you do have in your life since you have reached this decision.
God bless!